The heart that is growing cold

A commitment.

Sometimes when I thought of the word 'commitment', I became scared. I thought of that single word and I couldn't breathe properly. It's like trying to break through a prison. But that's just the way I see it. And not that I can't make myself commit to anything.

I am in a relationship, and I dare say it's quite a committed relationship. We spoke of marriages, of children and even of our future home. Everything seemed beautiful. I was happy to be loved, happy that I could finally love again. But someone did tell me, tell me quite specifically, that I was too happy too soon. We were bound for trouble and we should be prepared for it.

He is right, that guy who told me that. It's sad that I am once again blinded by the wishful thinking that a relationship could really be all happy and no tears. Well, the fool is me. Again. Yes, all over again.

We fought, we made up. I complained, he apologized. I screwed up, he made problems bigger than they were. It's so tiresome sometimes.

Okay, no surprise, but I suck huge time in being patient. I have the patience of a starved lioness caged and tortured daily.

You know, this is probably why I cheated on my boyfriend (now ex), back then in college. He was a Mr. Goody Goody (I wanted to say 'idiot', but hey, I'm not here to offend... not intentionally, at least) and I only wanted a little spontaneity which he couldn't give. I got tired, bored of how things were going and someone else happened to be nearby and he was so full of spontaneity I just couldn't turn away when he offered his hand (okay so the same guy appeared again in my next relationship, and again now, but that's beyond the point... somewhat...). It was meant to be a silly, non-serious thing. But then I couldn't lie to my own feelings. I was horribly bored, and I wanted out from my 'serious' relationship.

Not to be chasing on a loose kite. I just wanted to be with myself, feel good about myself. I wanted to be free.

But life just won't give you that choice, will it? It's always trying to tie you down to something. Throw you into the ocean and let you drown, if it gets the chance.

So life isn't going to give me that choice now, or ever. Especially when I am in a relationship that is (supposedly) serious like what I have today. It has chains and I can't move.

Maybe I'm just afraid of the future, which includes a married life, a husband, kids and dozens of bills to pay. Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong. I've been wrong about a lot of things (but my brain works that way so there's nothing I can do). Maybe he is just too sentimental for his own good (and besides dealing with my own lack of patience, I also suck at dealing with people's sentiments).

I often wanted to say, "Just give me a fucking break here!" but always thought better and didn't. I may be the worst in trying to be patient but I know the border between saying the truth when there's the need for it and saying it just to hurt someone else. Yeah, there's the some moral lesson to be learned, kids.

Will he or will he not let me breathe, if only for a minute? I truly wish, with all my heart, that he will. Or else this very thin line might break, and there's no "sorry" then that can mend the wound once it is opened.

This writing is for those who were, have been and still are special to me. I wish you people knew how sincere I am in loving you, but I also need my space, and that's the exact thing that almost everyone of you never gave me.


But thank you, all of you, for loving me.

xoxo,
akichuu.